I’ll let you in on a little secret about me. I’m embarrassed to share it because I don’t fully understand it myself. I’ve always had a weird desire for an injury that required surgery or some kind of illness that landed me in the hospital. It seems almost a little morbid to want that for myself. I haven’t quite figured out why I ever wanted such a thing. I’m absolutely positive it wasn’t for attention or anything like that. I hate attention and I hate people doing everything for me. Perhaps it was because I’ve always been healthy. I love being able to answer ‘no’ to the routine questions doctors ask. And I love that my medical history is squeaky clean. So when I hurt my knee playing basketball there was this deep shameful desire for a torn ACL or something that needed fixing. And honestly it didn’t phase me too much when I found out it was a torn ACL. I didn’t realize the annoyance of surgery. I could walk quite fine on my torn up knee. I only felt it when I sat on it or bended it weird. I may have thought since there was hardly any pain before surgery, there’d be minimal after surgery. And the little pain I would have could be easily covered by drugs.
So here I am now, looking back on a life of health and hating myself for ever wanting injury or illness. There are obvious lessons to be learned from my injury. Things like humility and patience and thankfulness. I am a cripple. I require assistance in many daily activities. I have to crutch around everywhere, which hurts my sides and completely exhausts me. My left leg hates bearing all my weight. My right knee has a constant ache and feels like things are ready to snap every time I move it. I feel like I’ve tried many different drugs and none helped with the pain. They were only good for making me tired, but my knee usually hurt so bad I didn’t sleep much. I feel like I laid here for the first few days bouncing between consciousness and unconsciousness. I often get this stinging pain like my stitches are being ripped out somehow. I feel clueless on what I should be feeling and not feeling. I find myself frustrated with small things and feeling completely useless. I feel like I should be in a coma during this time because I’m not even myself. Certain relationships strive during activities, but I barely have the strength to get out of the house. I can’t stand for more than a few minutes. Getting dressed for the day brings me to the point of almost passing out it’s so exhausting. I have to lay completely flat and take deep breaths for a minute or two before I can move again.
I am so completely helpless. In my greatest time of need physically, I distanced myself from God. Not intentionally of course. I still longed for Him, but for some reason I let my handicap get in the way of our time together. I never asked for people to get me my Bible and notebook. I’m under physical and emotional stress and I knew exactly what I needed, Who I needed. Why didn’t I seek? Did I think I brought this suffering upon myself because of a silly pitiful desire I had hidden away? Perhaps. It was like my flesh convinced me God was outside this situation. This is so small to Him, I shouldn’t even bother talking to Him about it. He gave me what I secretly stupidly wanted. I just have to deal with the consequences…on my own. I hate that I separate God and my world. Like there are certain natural things outside His control. I can so easily say He is sovereign and controls all things, but theres a glitch in my system. My thoughts and actual faith are not the same. It’s frustrating to think about and hard to explain.
Anyways…the point to this post…I think health is one of the greatest blessings God can give someone. The ability to move and function properly is such a wonderful thing. With that ability you can enjoy all kinds of pleasures in life. The list seems endless. So I praise God for the 20 years of awesome health He gave me. And I trust Him to restore my health quickly, if it be His will.
