sj's blog

I am the luckiest girl in the world

sjjabber — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 22:59:34 +0000

I love God. I love His intelligent plans. I love when He gives me things I ask for, like my fiancé, but attaches strings that are directly connected to Him. There is absolutely no way I can make Josh my god without being completely unsatisfied. There is no way Josh and I can meet each other’s needs without meeting our own need of God first. If one of us or both of us aren’t seeking God, our relationship suffers. It’s AWESOME! And if one of us is seeking God, we get to be Christ to the sinner (ha). Marriage is going to be miserably wonderful. I don’t know if most couples are like this, but looking at the divorce rate I’m going to say yes. People need God, especially to survive marriage. Unfortunately, we’re too prideful and selfish to admit it.

I did a lesson in prayer groups on the roles of women/what qualities please God. 1 Peter 3:1-2 got my attention and has posed a challenge to me. ”Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” How am I conducting myself, especially when Josh may not be “worthy” of my respect? Is my conduct so pleasing it could win him over? Or am I going to nag and complain and belittle him? I’ll be honest, I am terrified of what can come out of my mouth in the midst of anger and stress. I know I am capable of being absolutely evil and I know the power I have over Josh. Like in Proverbs 31:11-12, “The heart of her husband trusts in her…” I’m scared I won’t be able to uphold the second part, “…She does him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” But God is sanctifying me-and He will use marriage to get to the deep down nasty parts of me. Scary, yet exciting.

For Me? Why?

sjjabber — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 19:39:53 +0000

How selfish I am. Selfish with my time mostly. Yesterday was Easter. For some it only means a reason to eat candy out of plastic eggs, but for others, including me, it’s a specific day centered on the resurrection of the world’s Savior and King. I ponder the crucifixion, knowing it was more brutal than I can let my mind imagine. I just have to wonder what was going through Jesus’ mind with each blow He received. Could it have been, “Sam, you’re worth this,” or “[insert name], you’re worth this.” {Sit and ponder that} I almost can’t let myself believe it. I look at my life and the little productiveness of it, the little fruit, and it doesn’t make sense. No one should ever consider me worthy to die for. Why would Christ put Himself through that for my pathetic excuse of a life. And it wasn’t like He was naive about it. He hasn’t been up in Heaven thinking, “Seriously? I died for that girl? She does nothing! She’s terrified to even speak my Name.” He knew, even before coming to earth, that I’d be lukewarm half the time. But yet He loved me enough to offer me new life. “For the joy set before Him endured the cross…” I’m a part of His joy. You are too, or you can be. I don’t write this only to give you those warm fuzzy feelings. I hope this realization will move us to take on the new life Christ died to give us. My own personal prayer request is to be so overwhelmed that my shyness and insecurities won’t hold me back from talking to people about this amazing Love. I want to embrace the freedom and leave behind the old Sam that was content being on the sidelines. Honestly, it’s the very least I can do for all Christ has done for me.

The right question to ask

sjjabber — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 17:48:06 +0000

The story of Jesus calming the storm is becoming one of my favorites. I mostly enjoy it because of the dialogue. When the disciples wake up Jesus because they’re freaking out thinking the storm is going to take their lives, they ask Him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” In Matthew 8:25 they’re recorded saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” Isn’t that the cry of every soul? We are all perishing and we all need saving. And the right question isn’t, “Lord, do you not care that we are perishing?” I think the cross is a sufficient answer to that question. The right question is: Do we care that we are perishing?

If we do, what are we doing about it?

I’m not Bridezilla, I’m Bride-anxious

sjjabber — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 01:48:59 +0000

I don’t feel the need to announce my engagement on here because you already know I’m engaged. How? Because you are my friend on facebook and you clicked on this link in my profile. And facebook is covered with the engagement and wedding date.

This is where I’m going to be honest with myself and you. I do not love being engaged. Let me explain. It’s exciting to be committed to be committed at first. Then you just want be to be committed period. My boy is 5 hours away and engagement doesn’t change that. I do love staring at my ring, but hate that it’s on my pointer finger. haha. It’s too big for my ring finger : ( I was using string to make it fit, but it was too annoying and ugly.

So there are girls who love the wedding planning process and it satisfies (or perhaps distracts) them until the actual wedding day. I am not that kind of girl. Sure, I liked picking the colors and bridesmaid dresses. I’ll enjoy shopping for the groomsmen, registering, and taking engagement pictures. But that’s about where my fun ends. I don’t care too much about centerpieces. I don’t care too much about food. I don’t care about having a wedding cake. I do care about the photographer, but that is so stressful I’m beginning not to care. I don’t care about all the little details and decor. I’m leaving that to people who enjoy it, which is not me. People are blown away by the short engagement, but I don’t think it’s short enough.

What got me out of bed this morning? Knowing I’m getting married in a few months. It’s good motivation to bust through school work. It’s like I convinced myself if I get homework done early, I can get married early. Wait…What? It doesn’t work that way? Crap! Ok, fine. I think our engagement is the perfect length. Perfect length to plan the wedding without a period of just waiting for it to happen, and perfect for me to get prepared physically, mentally and spiritually.

So the song of the day for me is: The Special Two by Missy Higgins. It makes me want to cry and hold hands with Josh. haha.

Surprise!

sjjabber — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 03:53:04 +0000

Josh surprised me yesterday! It’d been a couple weeks since I’d seen him. It doesn’t sound that long compared to how long we’ve gone in that past. But I was definitely missing him-especially since I have a lot of free time on my hands. It was so nice to wake up to a phone call from him saying, “See you in a few minutes.” You’re darn right I jumped out of bed and got ready at warp speed. He found a website with cheap accessories for my camera, so I got gifts! (I know they’re mostly for his use, but I’m going to get an eye for photography or die trying) I feel spoiled though. I now have a tripod, remote, filters, and a macro-type tube. I’m pretty set to become awesome. Well I’m trying to incorporate more photos into this blog. So here are a few from my day with Josh.

Star filter

I am my sister’s sister

sjjabber — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 22:06:18 +0000

I sat in my dorm room Friday night beyond the point of boredom. Bored to the point of crafts. ha. I like crafts, but they tend to remind me of my inadequacy in the creative department. It’s more like I can think of cool things, but I am clueless how to actually create them. I would love to make my own earings, but I don’t know how. I have a whole list of things I need to learn how to do. Maybe someday I’ll get around to that list…

Well…here are a couple of my creations from my night of boredom.

Flower Broach

Broach being modeled by a professional

Necklace

Now here’s me playing around with my camera..

I bet you're craving some pizza now because I am

1 John 4:10

Glory Fraud

sjjabber — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 06:10:18 +0000

I’ve been learning so much about God and His desire for glory. Like why He allows bad things to happen to good people. Why He’s first and foremost for Himself. Basically why He rules and works the way He does. He is out for His glory. Say a loved one passes away or has a serious illness, isn’t that the time most people turn to God. They are so weak from emotional pain and stress that they need Him like they need oxygen. And in that time He comforts and heals broken hearts (Psalm 34:18). And even though life sucks and it’s not going the way it’s suppose to, God receives honor and praise. Twisted huh?

So I’m learning this all and my heart is craving to glorify my King. And even though this desire to be in constant praise of the Lord is genuine and real, I find my flesh twisting it for my own gain. God is out for His glory like I’m out for good fortune. success. marriage. doing what I want regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. I am out for my own “glory” in a way. Getting what I want. So I find myself trying to make a business deal with God. “Lord, if you give me this, I will give You glory.” Real, genuine glory huh? Or, even worse, people use it to justify sin. Premarital sex makes you worship God? Interesting. You should try married sex–the way God designed it. Smoking pot is so relaxing it moves you to glorify the Creator of it. Awesome…too bad its illegal. God receives no glory when you sin against Him. Your words of worship from an act of sin are like farts in the air. They are offensive to God’s nose.

And isn’t that kind of glory quite conditional. If I get what I want, then You’ll be praised. But true glory, the kind God is after, is most apparent when He says no. No, you will not get that job. No, you will not be healed. No. No. No. And my deepest desire is to be able to say in those moments, “Lord, You are still good. You are still faithful. I will continue to worship You.”

oh the blessing of health

sjjabber — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 07:53:52 +0000

I’ll let you in on a little secret about me. I’m embarrassed to share it because I don’t fully understand it myself. I’ve always had a weird desire for an injury that required surgery or some kind of illness that landed me in the hospital. It seems almost a little morbid to want that for myself. I haven’t quite figured out why I ever wanted such a thing. I’m absolutely positive it wasn’t for attention or anything like that. I hate attention and I hate people doing everything for me. Perhaps it was because I’ve always been healthy. I love being able to answer ‘no’ to the routine questions doctors ask. And I love that my medical history is squeaky clean. So when I hurt my knee playing basketball there was this deep shameful desire for a torn ACL or something that needed fixing. And honestly it didn’t phase me too much when I found out it was a torn ACL. I didn’t realize the annoyance of surgery. I could walk quite fine on my torn up knee. I only felt it when I sat on it or bended it weird. I may have thought since there was hardly any pain before surgery, there’d be minimal after surgery. And the little pain I would have could be easily covered by drugs.

So here I am now, looking back on a life of health and hating myself for ever wanting injury or illness. There are obvious lessons to be learned from my injury. Things like humility and patience and thankfulness. I am a cripple. I require assistance in many daily activities. I have to crutch around everywhere, which hurts my sides and completely exhausts me. My left leg hates bearing all my weight. My right knee has a constant ache and feels like things are ready to snap every time I move it. I feel like I’ve tried many different drugs and none helped with the pain. They were only good for making me tired, but my knee usually hurt so bad I didn’t sleep much. I feel like I laid here for the first few days bouncing between consciousness and unconsciousness. I often get this stinging pain like my stitches are being ripped out somehow. I feel clueless on what I should be feeling and not feeling. I find myself frustrated with small things and feeling completely useless. I feel like I should be in a coma during this time because I’m not even myself. Certain relationships strive during activities, but I barely have the strength to get out of the house. I can’t stand for more than a few minutes. Getting dressed for the day brings me to the point of almost passing out it’s so exhausting. I have to lay completely flat and take deep breaths for a minute or two before I can move again.

I am so completely helpless. In my greatest time of need physically, I distanced myself from God. Not intentionally of course. I still longed for Him, but for some reason I let my handicap get in the way of our time together. I never asked for people to get me my Bible and notebook. I’m under physical and emotional stress and I knew exactly what I needed, Who I needed. Why didn’t I seek? Did I think I brought this suffering upon myself because of a silly pitiful desire I had hidden away? Perhaps. It was like my flesh convinced me God was outside this situation. This is so small to Him, I shouldn’t even bother talking to Him about it. He gave me what I secretly stupidly wanted. I just have to deal with the consequences…on my own. I hate that I separate God and my world. Like there are certain natural things outside His control. I can so easily say He is sovereign and controls all things, but theres a glitch in my system. My thoughts and actual faith are not the same. It’s frustrating to think about and hard to explain.

Anyways…the point to this post…I think health is one of the greatest blessings God can give someone. The ability to move and function properly is such a wonderful thing. With that ability you can enjoy all kinds of pleasures in life. The list seems endless. So I praise God for the 20 years of awesome health He gave me. And I trust Him to restore my health quickly, if it be His will.

Seriously, I’ll try to do better

sjjabber — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 18:25:47 +0000

Ok, my excuse is my computer doesn’t charge anymore so I can’t even turn it on. Plus the past couple months have been consumed with the WOL lifestyle. Now I am free. haha. I thought maybe once I got home I would feel the guilt of leaving and find life a little harder than I predicted. Praise God none of that is true. Ok, so yes, it’s hard to get into a routine, but I’m still keeping my head above water. I still love Jesus and have a burden to show His love to others. I struggle with not getting a little angry at WOL. I did need an attitude adjustment and knew I wouldn’t survive there with my pride, so the humility of submitting to rules did teach me a lot. When it comes to the speakers and all the work they force on you, I’m just thankful it all annoyed me so much I had to seek God and His truth myself. That’s where the majority of my growth came from, me and the Holy Spirit working through things that frustrated me. I am also thankful for the basketball girls. They helped in keeping me sane. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t think I would have genuinely laughed the whole time at WOL. And I love laughing.

Update on my life. My ACL is still torn. I recently had a doctor’s appointment and had all of the damage explained to me. It sounds like I should be in a lot more pain from all the tearing and fracturing I did. Is it weird that I’m kind of happy I actually have a semi-serious injury? I guess I just couldn’t take feeling pain and being told they can’t find anything. I feel like that happens too often to me. So yes, I’m glad the pain has an obvious source and is able to be fixed.

I decided I don’t hate snow as much as I claim to. In my mind I’ve always put snow hand in hand with bitter cold temperatures. The last couple days have not been bitter cold however. They’ve been somewhat tolerable when I’m bundled up securely. And the snow is kinda pretty. How it shimmers and shines in light. So I am officially stating I do not mind snow and may eventually grow to like it. It’s the low temperatures of winter I hate.

Hopefully a quick thought…

sjjabber — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 23:38:56 +0000

So I was reading through a commentary on Hebrews for class and a thought hit me. I realized I’ve let all the arguments Christians have take away from the wonder of it all. As I was reading about whether or not a verse was referring to loss of salvation, I began to get that itch for “truth”. The battle is for the truth. I want the Truth. I want to be able to share the Truth, but I find I’m busy defending the Truth rather than being awe-struck by it. Honestly, when’s the last time you actually sat and pondered how AMAZING it is once you’re saved, you are always saved. You can’t lose your salvation. I’m not trying to argue a point here-read your Bibles, God makes it clear. Christ’s blood is so sufficient in every way. Gah! Doesn’t that move something in you?! I can’t escape God’s grace. No matter how many terrible terrible, and I mean terrible decisions I make, God won’t take away my salvation, my future with Him.

So my challenge for you is take a quick break from arguing and just sit and ponder what you’re actually arguing. Obviously it’s important if you want to defend it to the death. So sit and be filled with wonder from the Truth. How breath taking, huh? And whoever you’re arguing with, don’t get mad that they don’t see it. Your heart should break that they’re missing something so freeing and beautiful. Too many times I’ve caught myself thinking, “You idiot! Way to be ignorant.” When instead I should be thinking, “I’m so sorry you’re not experiencing this freedom I have in Christ. I want you to so bad.“

Hebrews 7:25, “Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.”

Hebrews 7:27, “…He sacrificed for their sins once for all when he offered himself.”

Hebrews 9:26-28, “…But now he has appeared once for all at the end of the ages to do away with sin by the sacrifice of himself. Just as man is destined to die once, and after that face judgment, so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him.”

mmm…mmm…mmm…tasty.